Emma Hathorn on First Date Red Flags, Authenticity, and Why Gen Z Is Redefining Modern Dating
What are the top signs a first date is going well or going badly, and how is Gen Z reshaping modern dating through authenticity and intentionality?
Emma Hathorn is a Dating Expert at Seeking.com, specializing in online dating, luxury relationships, and modern dating trends. She offers insights on age-gap dynamics, dating safety, and emotional connection. Frequently featured in major media outlets, she helps singles navigate relationships with clarity, confidence, and elevated standards. She emphasizes authenticity, intentional dating, and early communication, discussing red flags, boundary-setting, first-date cues, and the evolving priorities of Gen Z daters as they navigate meaningful, value-driven connections.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: What is your first sign that a first date is going well—or going badly?
Emma Hathorn: When you lose track of time. Everything flows naturally, and you are not stuck in your head or overanalyzing. It just feels easy. You are not thinking about what to say or how you look. That ease is a great sign. That is what a good conversation feels like. You stop checking the time or worrying about posture or manners. You are just comfortable.
Jacobsen: What typically signals that a date is going wrong?
Hathorn: When the conversation becomes unbalanced. One person overshares or dominates while the other listens. It is tough when someone dives into personal issues too soon. That intensity creates discomfort and imbalance.
Jacobsen: What is it like to be on the receiving end of that?
Hathorn: You feel stuck, unsure how to respond. You are polite while someone unloads their life story, and it is too much responsibility, too fast.
Jacobsen: Do certain traits make people more likely to struggle with setting boundaries when that happens?
Hathorn: Yes. At Seeking, we stress the importance of vetting someone first. A chat or video call before a meeting helps. With online dating, you do not know someone until you talk. Asking the right questions upfront helps avoid those boundary issues. Once you know what you are looking for, you can often spot red flags early—from their profile or first messages. Many uncomfortable situations can be avoided with early caution.
Jacobsen: So, it is wise to stay cautious, even if most people are decent.
Hathorn: Absolutely. The worst-case scenario we usually see is just awkwardness—when you are not on the same wavelength. At Seeking, we emphasize aligning values and knowing what you want going in. Intentional dating is a significant trend. People value their time and solitude more, and they are comfortable not dating unless it feels genuinely worthwhile.
So, when someone chooses to go on a date now, it is often very deliberate—focused on who the person is and what kind of connection they are looking for. It does not even have to be romantic. A meaningful conversation can be worth it all by itself.
Jacobsen: What is a clear sign someone is being inauthentic—like they are not even in touch with themselves?
Hathorn: When the stories feel overblown—like they are trying too hard. Sure, some wild stories are true. However, when someone claims they started ten companies, went bungee jumping, and climbed Everest all in the same week—it feels performative.
Jacobsen: They started the companies while bungee jumping.
Hathorn: [Laughing] And if it is true—great. However, it often feels like a show rather than a genuine connection.
Jacobsen: Signing contracts midair.
Hathorn: Yes! However, inauthenticity is a tricky issue. It can be both hard and easy to read. You sense something is off.
Jacobsen: Is it a major turnoff?
Hathorn: Definitely—and it should be. An authentic person does not need validation from a date. They come in already knowing their value.
Jacobsen: Inauthenticity kills attraction.
Hathorn: Yes.
Jacobsen: Authenticity guarantees you know whether the real you are attracted to the other person. Some people are authentically unpleasant. That may only appeal to a few—but at least it is honest. If someone is faking it, you sense the tension behind the smile. It is like, "Why are you gritting your teeth while smiling?"
Hathorn: When people are authentic, you can quickly tell if there is chemistry—or not. And that matters. Everyone is busy, so when someone shows up as themselves, you immediately know if there is something there or not. You can decide not to see each other again—but at least it was real.
Jacobsen: How do you prepare for a first date? Stereotypically, guys might shower and shave. Women might spend two hours on makeup, hair, and picking the right outfit.
Hathorn: Yes—women do.
Jacobsen: Just the right outfit.
Hathorn: Absolutely. Women put in serious effort. Moreover, honestly, this often leads to another conversation—about who pays the bill.
Jacobsen: That is part two: "How to finish the first date."
Hathorn: [Laughing] Seriously, though—I have yet to meet a woman who does not do the hair, makeup, nails, everything.
Jacobsen: Why is it such an event? Usually, with gendered traits, there is some overlap—even if the curves are distinct. However, this one seems distinctly divided. Why do you think that is?
Hathorn: Women invest so much time—and men often do not.
Jacobsen: Or they prepare in very different ways.
Hathorn: It is the anticipation. The idea that you might meet someone—is exciting. Despite the narrative that everyone's independent—and many are—it is still thrilling to think about finding a partner.
That initial rush builds up in the days leading up to the date. Moreover, beyond romance, it is simply lovely to show up for someone to put in the effort. This extends beyond gender—it also applies to queer relationships. Looking your best and making the effort feels good, especially since people go out less than they used to. So it becomes a little occasion.
Jacobsen: What about a date between two women—where both are looking for a connection, maybe some fun, a little wine and chocolate?
Hathorn: Great question. Women tend to put in more effort. I have dated women, and both parties have put in much effort. It felt equal. Honestly, it was refreshing.
Jacobsen: Was it a better experience?
Hathorn: Not necessarily. Most of my dating was in Tokyo, and I found that both men and women showed up well-prepared. Maybe that stereotype—that men shave and go—needs to change. Some men put in real effort, even if not in grooming. They may contribute in other ways—such as sending an Uber or ensuring things go smoothly. That effort matters, too. In queer relationships between women, there tends to be a greater balance in terms of effort.
Jacobsen: There is another angle. Some women do not want a guy who looks too polished. If he is plucking his eyebrows, highlighting his hair, and looking overly groomed—it might be a turn off. Not a red flag, just a turnoff.
Hathorn: Right.
Jacobsen: They want their guy a little scruffy.
Hathorn: Maybe "curated scruffy."
Jacobsen: Exactly! So, where is the line between curated scruff and the real thing, or even authenticity?
Hathorn: It is primarily aesthetic. Scruffy can mean facial hair or style—not necessarily a scruffy personality.
Jacobsen: That is true. I have worked in construction, restaurants, and a horse farm—some guys work with their hands and are dirty as hell but still have manners.
Hathorn: Absolutely.
Jacobsen: They may not be clean day to day, but they respect you, and they know how to show it. That takes skill. Honestly, if your exterior is rough, it can even distract you—but some still know how to show up with grace.
Hathorn: And maybe that is super authentic—just showing up as yourself. There is another side to it, however. You could say, "Just come as you are." However, at the same time—it is still a date. If you are genuinely excited and enjoy getting ready, you should show that to your partner. It reflects something you value and may want in the relationship. It comes down to knowing what you want. Do you see yourself going to lovely places with this person? What kind of future do you imagine?
Jacobsen: That kind of future-oriented thinking—do you think it is gendered? The prep, the anticipation—does that reflect a different mindset across genders?
Hathorn: Possibly.
Jacobsen: That leads to something else. We have new terms for old things—"friends with benefits," "one-night stands." When people talk to you before a date or when you guide them on how to "do the date right," is it about encouraging clarity? Are there consistent patterns depending on whether they are looking for something short-term or long-term?
Hathorn: Yes. Those are very different conversations. The key is knowing what you are showing up for. It is hard to help someone who does not understand why they are even going on a date. There is more intentionality now, especially among Gen Z. Many are not interested in casual dating. If they go on a date, it is with someone they could genuinely imagine seeing again.
Jacobsen: That seems like a significant shift away from hookup culture.
Hathorn: Definitely. People are doing a lot more talking online before they meet in person. Things are more coordinated. They show up already knowing, "This is what I am looking for." Moreover, if that does not align with the other person, no problem—but at least it is clear.
That kind of honesty early on might seem intense for a first date, but it saves time. Asking, "Are we good together? Is there attraction? Are our goals aligned?"—that avoids confusion later.
Jacobsen: I feel like that kind of directness is common for people in their 30s and 40s.
Hathorn: Yes.
Jacobsen: Get to the point. But what about people in their early 20s? Is it different for them?
Hathorn: Surprisingly, no. Gen Z is straightforward. They know what they want, and they will tell you. They are not wasting time. It is refreshing.
Jacobsen: Thank you for your time today, Emma.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen is a Writer and Editor for A Further Inquiry. He is the publisher of In-Sight Publishing (ISBN: 978-1-0692343) and Editor-in-Chief of In-Sight: Interviews (ISSN: 2369-6885). He writes for The Good Men Project, International Policy Digest (ISSN: 2332–9416), The Humanist (Print: ISSN 0018-7399; Online: ISSN 2163-3576), Basic Income Earth Network (UK Registered Charity 1177066), A Further Inquiry, and other media. He is a member in good standing of numerous media organizations.