How Dating Culture Has Changed: Reading Romantic Cues and Emotional Signals in Modern Relationships
How can you tell the difference between genuine romantic interest and performative politeness in modern dating through body language and emotional cues?
Part 3 of 4
Christopher Louis is a Los Angeles–based international dating and relationship coach and founder of Dating Intelligence. As host of the Dating Intelligence Podcast, Louis draws on intuition and lived experience to guide clients toward authentic selves and meaningful romantic connections. Louis explores how modern dating has become more complex with the rise of social media, dating apps, and ambiguous relationship terms like "situationships" and "cookie jarring." They contrast today’s indirect norms with the more straightforward courtship of the past, emphasizing the growing difficulty in interpreting romantic interest versus politeness. Louis offers practical advice on body language—like mirroring, eye contact, and physical cues—to distinguish authentic connection from performative gestures. Understanding clusters of signals, not isolated acts, is key to emotional safety and clarity in relationships, especially for those navigating the nuanced terrain of modern dating culture.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Do you think things are more complex or easier now than when you were dating in February? In terms of the social climate, how do people approach connection?
Christopher Louis: It depends on the age range. Some people are adapting well, while others are struggling more. But that's a big conversation—maybe worth diving into next. Once again, when we're talking about the younger age groups—people in their twenties—there's a shift in dating culture. We're not even talking about teenagers; that's another thing. But people in their twenties tend to date more in groups. They go out in packs, and if there's someone they like, it's often a more casual, side-by-side interaction rather than a direct, intentional one-on-one date.
Dating has become more complicated because of social media, dating apps, and digital communication in general. We'reno longer getting those authentic, spontaneous moments—like meeting someone at a social event and having a real-time connection. Instead, it's swiping right and swiping left. And even though apps are convenient, they can create emotional distance.
That said, I do appreciate hearing daters say, "You know what? I met someone and just cut through all the texting and said, let's meet for coffee." That's more real than dragging out a three—or four-week text exchange, which often leads nowhere. If someone is genuinely interested, they will want to meet you sooner rather than later.
Suppose they're not initiating a meeting; chances are. In that case, they are either not interested or are talking to multiple people, which I remind many of my female clients of. They'll say, "I don't know why he ghosted me," I'll say, "He was probably talking to two or three other women, and he just moved on." It is a process of elimination for some people. Especially early on, many guys see who flirts the most, responds quickly, and who's and is most open sexually, and whoever rises to the top of that list is often the one they want to pursue most seriously.
Meanwhile, women who might be intellectually engaging or emotionally deep may get overlooked because the connection takes longer to build. The guy gets bored and moves on to something easier or more exciting.
Jacobsen: The dynamics are different now, but the core behaviours are often the same—just under new labels. Even culturally, this isn't new. The phenomenon existed before, just with different names. Paul Mooney had a line—"Ain't nothing changed but the weather." It's the idea that things look different on the surface but are fundamentally the same. Like friends with benefits—it used to be hush-hush, but now it is more normalized and even has code names like "Netflix and chill."
Louis: Exactly. "Netflix and chill" is the number one code for friends with benefits. That phrase says it all without having to explain it.
And then you've got what people now call a "situationship." That's a big one. A situationship is where two people spend time together—maybe even sleeping—but there's no clarity on the relationship. They do not define or discuss it, and no one wants to ask, "What are we doing here?"
Back in the day, it was much more direct. A guy might ask, "Do you want to go steady?" Sometimes, even before the first date! Remember that? Then it became writing notes—"Will you go out with me?" Then, it evolved into more casual settings—meeting at parties or the movies.
Now, it's vague. It's like, "We're hanging out… I like this person but don't know if we're dating." And that's where so many people get stuck—they are too afraid to ask questions. They're just assuming, hoping the other person feels the same. And that's how people wind up in these unclear, undefined dynamics we now call "situationships."
"Netflix and chill" is another big one, of course. And ghosting—ghosting is enormous right now. Someone disappears on you without any explanation. No follow-up, no closure. And what gets me is that people do not even have the courage—or better yet, the decency—to say, "Hey, you know what? I don't think this is a fit. I'm moving on." That simple courtesy seems to be lost in modern dating.
Now, there's also something called "cookie jarring." That's a newer term. It refers to someone dating you but also has someone else on the back burner—just in case things do not work out with you. It's like they're keeping their hand in the cookie jar, just in case. So they're not fully invested, but they ensure they have options lined up. And there are tons of these new terms floating around nowadays.
Jacobsen: How can individuals use body language to foster emotional safety and openness in a relationship?
Louis: That's a great question. Body language plays a huge role in emotional safety and openness—even more than most people realize. Let's start with one of the most universal cues: the hands-up gesture, like the "stop" signal. You know what I mean—both palms out in front of you. That posture says, No. I'm not ready. I don't want to go there right now. It communicates boundaries. It's a nonverbal way of saying, Let's pause this conversation.
Gesture is one of the most widely understood signals for emotional withdrawal or resistance regardless of culture or language. It says, "This isn't safe for me right now." And that is key: recognizing when someone is not emotionally open at that moment and respecting that.
Jacobsen: What does mirroring in terms of body language tell you?
Louis: Mirroring is fascinating. It happens with posture, pace, and movement. When two people are comfortable and connected, they unconsciously mirror each other. It's almost like a dance—subtle and fluid. You'll notice it when couples are in sync: they lean simultaneously, their gestures are similar, and even their blinking and breathing might align. People make even this funny observation—like how dog owners sometimes start to resemble their pets. But in relationships, mirroring tells you something important: connection. If I'm talking to someone and gently sway or tilt my head, and they start doing it, too, that's not a coincidence. That's a sign they're tuned in. They're present.
With my partner, people often comment that we mirror each other in our style—how we dress, walk, and even move around each other. It is not conscious—it's a natural alignment. And that's a beautiful thing in a long-term relationship. It reflects harmony. So yes, mirroring is a strong, positive connection and emotional resonance indicator.
Jacobsen: How can someone differentiate genuine romantic interest from performative body language? For instance, many heterosexual men struggle to tell the difference between a laugh that means "I'm into you" and one that's just polite or nervous.
Louis: That's such an important distinction. Let's start with laughter. Many men assume she's interested if a woman laughs at their jokes. But that's not always true. Sometimes, a woman laughs because she's genuinely amused. Other times, she laughs because she's nervous or trying to ease social tension. And that's a key thing—the intention behind the behaviour.
One tip I give my clients is to look for clusters of body language cues. Do not isolate one thing like a laugh. Is she maintaining steady eye contact? Is her body facing you? Is she leaning in, or is she pulling back slightly? Are her arms open or crossed? When you combine those cues, you start to see the whole picture.
Genuine interest usually comes with a relaxed, open posture. The person is not fidgeting too much; they're not checking their phone or glancing around the room. They're present. On the other hand, performative body language tends to be more mechanical—like checking off social expectations without authentic emotional engagement.
So the takeaway is this: read patterns, not isolated actions. The more emotionally tuned you are, the easier it gets to spot the difference.
Jacobsen: Yes. Everyone—probably often, as far as I can tell—does not parse those signals. The difference between genuine romantic interest and performative body language can be like two universes. So, how can someone tell the difference? It does not necessarily have to be a red flag, a "danger, danger" situation, or a misreading flirtation when someone's just being polite.
Louis: Right. I understand that. And this is where many men need to learn to read the room better. You're right—some women are naturally more physical when they talk. Maybe they'll touch your hand or shoulder during a conversation. To some guys, that can give off flirtatious or even sexual signals. But the truth is that context is everything.
So here's what I tell men: just because a woman touches you a couple of times, don't immediately assume it's an invitation for physical closeness. That's a giant leap. You have to pay attention to the overall vibe of the conversation. Ask yourself: What's the tone? What's her energy like?
For example, if she's laughing and touches your arm, listen to the cadence in her voice. Does she sound nervous? Is she laughing too hard or in a way that feels forced? What's her eye contact like? If she's looking around—scanning the room for a friend or an exit—that's a sign she might feel uncomfortable or disengaged.
You'll often see this in how her head turns—like she's searching for someone to interrupt, rescue, or distract. That's not a sign of interest; that's a sign of discomfort. Her breathing might also give it away. Nervous breathing is very different from genuine, relaxed laughter.
So, what should a guy do in that situation? First, don't make a physical move unless you're sure. Instead, test the waters verbally. Say something like, "Hey, I just want to say—you have beautiful eyes," or "Your laugh is amazing." Then, pay attention to how she responds—not just with words but her body language.
If she smiles, leans in, holds eye contact, and seems more engaged—that's a green light. But if she pulls back, looks around, or gives short answers, that's your cue to slow down or change direction. Sometimes, asking a thoughtful or flirtatious question can clarify where the other person stands without putting anyone in an uncomfortable spot.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen is a Writer and Editor for A Further Inquiry. He is the publisher of In-Sight Publishing (ISBN: 978-1-0692343) and Editor-in-Chief of In-Sight: Interviews (ISSN: 2369-6885). He writes for The Good Men Project, International Policy Digest (ISSN: 2332–9416), The Humanist (Print: ISSN 0018-7399; Online: ISSN 2163-3576), Basic Income Earth Network (UK Registered Charity 1177066), A Further Inquiry, and other media. He is a member in good standing of numerous media organizations.